"I love to have everyone together." So simple and so divine but aren’t we dealing with humans here and that too
with in-laws tag! I would love to write that this is a work of fiction with no resemblance
to anyone living or dead but the fact is that it is a real life story of each
one of the daughter-in-laws living in a joint family, ok may be not each one
but mostly. It could be an autobiography of a 20 years old daughter-in-law, and
here the number is not her age but the life span in that role which is almost
same or more, number of years, she would have spent her life at her father’s
place.
Only people of Indian culture
might be able to relate to what I am writing as I have not much knowledge about
other cultures so cannot make any comments on their comprehension of what I
might be mentioning here. My protagonist is a well educated urban girl with may
be above average confidence levels and happy go lucky attitude and as it
happens she falls in love (which she still is, even after 20 plus years of
marriage!) and being an inter caste thing, there was a slight drama of boy’s
parents not agreeing and the finally the good sense (or was it really good!?)
prevailed and the love birds were married. As Chetan Bhagat has already covered
this aspect of the story so well that we have a movie too, so would not be
repeating, my story begins where he left as it is different from his and may be
many others. There the couple from two states live happily (or not, don’t
know!) ever after in a NUCLEAR family!! In our case and in all you
daughter-in-law’s cases out there, it was made clear, implicitly or explicitly
that parents-in-law would be living with them or should I say that the groom
and the bride will be living with the parents of the groom.
It is not that I am stating something
which is out of the blue, this is the norm of our society. Being a male
dominated society, the males decide that and docile females that we are, never
question it. So the boy gets to wear the same pair of pants (maybe a new one)
while the girl all of sudden, the next day is expected to wear heavy saari and
heavy jewelry, not to forget the bindi, sindoor and may be toe rings..so, many
of you question, what’s wrong in that? Girls have waited all their young dreamy
lives for such a day. But remember, my main character of the story is an independent
girl who is used to making her own decision and such personalities generally
don’t appreciate when they are told to do things on a regular basis. So coming
back to the next day of living together, our girl (let me not name her as it is
my story and your story too!) is told (not asked) to wear outfits which have
been gifted by in-laws. Now this marriage had a certain filmy drama, but
otherwise in arranged and all agreed kind of marriages this happens too that
the new bride wants to impress everyone. That becomes her undoing, the moment
she falls in the vicious trap of impressing everyone concerned, she has doomed
herself for life. She forgets that it is not a temporary arrangement; she is
married for life and in our culture for seven lives!! As no one has mentioned
in-laws in that seven lives arrangement, we really don’t know how scheme of
things are, but the fact that creating an impression has set a bench mark to
which she would be measured for her life time. The impression management is so
much easier if the family members are just guests, you put your best foot
forward, a sweetest smile ever and then curtains fall once the guests leave. In
such pacts of life, we are dealing with a woman who used to be a free bird in her
parent’s house (not referring to it as home on purpose as in this day ‘beti is
still praya dhan’-damn me, feminists!)
In our story, the bride from a
different caste is all set to impress everyone, especially the main character
of our drama, the mom-in-law. So as to let no one point finger at the
person whom she loves to be subjected to “I told you so”. A talkative person, nicknamed
as chatterbox/a joker by her friends gets transformed into a quiet and docile
person at hostel..oops home! It felt like a strict hostel actually to her. Things
happened in a certain order, there was no scope for error it seemed and they
were so formal...yes that is what it was...the formality or as they call it
tehzeeb! Not that our girl came from some uncultured background but life was
not taken so seriously. Sense of humor was totally a mismatch, what could have
thrown our girl in splits just received a slight twist of the upper lip or maybe a sneer and at times ‘kyaaa’. But still, she let herself watch silently ‘how
the river flows’ in the hope that she would be able to swim better in its
currents someday in the near future.
It is at times surprising that when
we talk of all this women liberation, we think of it as equal rights and pay,
breaking the glass ceiling, smoking openly and of course clichéd but bra burning...but
no one even thinks of the stereotypical roles in which we have put our women
in. The girl who was eating in front of the TV and may be leaving the plate
right there when she is at her parent's place is expected to cook, serve and then manage the kitchen overnight. Ok, I am over-exaggerating, but you get the
essence of what I want to say. The boy wears the same pants while the
girl......I love to have everyone together...
All are good people but somewhere
down the line things start getting murky...it is as in every family. Communication
– the how's and whys-which are taught in many expensive training programs and
all sagas ultimately boil down to, is what matters. Asking all those blessed
ones, who were raised by lovely parents, who have not had an argument with their
mom or have sulked when dad is around..but somehow things get sorted out as all
involved have the right to express what the other person is feeling. The moment
the ‘in-laws’ tag is added to any relationship, this free and mutual exchange
of feelings becomes a major issue. Thank God! that the husband has been left being
called a husband and was not named as husband-in-law..else the whole thing
would have really sucked (no puns here)!
As it is the norm in society that the groom marries and brings the bride to his home, no one questions it. Also, it suits the financial conditions of the newlyweds
and of course the equation of give and take. The boy has been brought up and
educated by parents so that he would be taking care of them in old age
(have always wondered how old parents with only girls survive!!) so again
it becomes convenient when all live happily together and for the couple, it is
so much easier if they have support back at home then both can earn and have
kids and live happily ever after...if only things were so simple, in a male-dominated society it is assumed that the Mom-in-law (who might have spent her
whole life being in a nuclear setup due to her husband’s transferable job)
would be happily adjusting with a new member in the family. Not only does the bride
have the huge task of impressing everyone, but the poor MIL also has to do it all over
again too-impressing the newbie on the same block of managing the kitchen and
house! Imagine the ego clash if she is not as competent as she thinks she is!
The plot thickens when MIL who has
been fed on all of Ekta Kapur’s daily dramas of saas-bahus, where the characters
are all dressed up when they go to sleep and are heavily made-up even in bed.
Such saas-bahus being the role models, you can imagine the benchmarks. What
should I call a situation- funny or pathetic- when the expectations of the parties
involved are totally mismatched? The simple phrase of being and feeling at home
differs. How often your own mother does ask you to eat, no I am not asking
about regular meals, but offering snacks or while at the table having a meal
together. Trying to remember, right but the first few days, okay months still fine
that our now married girl is asked about the same way as you do to a guest in
the house. Making it all the more difficult for the girl to feel that she
belonged...you see bhujia and you reach out to grab a bite, all of a sudden you
hear your reverend MIL telling you “haan, haan bête lo na!, kuch kha liya karo,
see there are biscuits as well!!” Has your mother done that; on the contrary
she would shout out ki khaane ke time ab snacking kyun? So next time when you
again want to pop something, you look around, is she around, should I just take
it and eat it in my room...so like a hostel where the warden is always on a lookout.....I love to have everyone together.
Slowly the girl adjusts well with
her hubby, and compromises on the dreams of having her very own home and has kids.
You might be thinking she is conceited, having everything but still not
satisfied, well maybe, but every girl (go ahead feminists, kill me!) has a
dream of making her own home. I had read somewhere it is a feminine animal
instinct especially when she mates and is expecting a baby that this nesting syndrome
heightens. I think not just Indian girls but all girls, from whatever knowledge
I have gathered from all the romantic novels which makes it a global phenomenon
that - on average every girl wants to have her own home. She has been at
times told while having those fights with her mom that do what you feel like
doing when you make your own home but then most of us like our girl get
married into a joint family. So, what do you do now, you and our girl have to
follow the rasam (not the south Indian dish but norms) and rivaaz of the
family, out of the caste in our case here. I have heard stories from a lot of
married women who in spite of the fact lived in a nuclear family setup, still
had the orders from the high command. Early morning daily phone calls, right
from telling (again not asking) the arranged wife of her son, to grind fresh
chutney as the son likes it and not in the electric mixie, please (it changes
the taste) but on the stone age pastel! And it’s not fiction, it a real-life
situation as heard from a qualified engineer of 'A' class institute and working
in a very respectable position in a metro city. This engineer woman’s parents
had given lots of dowry with a car included but to utter dissatisfaction of
in-laws, no house! So bound with that guilt she used to actually grind that
paste along with packing tiffins and report to the office by 8:30 AM. This was a
nuclear family scenario, know of another non-fictional case of a very
technically sound manager, who somehow was so messily dressed up as if in a
hurry. She refused many a foreign assignment for the reason that her
mother-in-law who was living with them did not like any help or maids doing the
housework. So right from mopping the apartment and washing utensils was part of
her routine along with the usual managerial stuff of leading a team and solving
technical issues. So much so for the power of MIL and shattered dreams of
having their own sweet home.
Are such cases exceptions or is the girl in my story the ungrateful one? Again, coming back to our societal norm
of a boy marrying a girl and taking her to his home, ever think of questioning it?
Not just in villages, have come across well-educated professionals who take up
jobs or long-term assignments abroad or such places where it is difficult to
keep a family and leave their better half with their parents. Why did you marry
in the first place? Is it that the boy’s family couldn’t afford a maid or a caretaker? If women are considered the weaker sex, then how could she take care of old
parents, and if it is the other way around how could old parents be burdened
with a responsibility when they were expecting their son to take care of them
in their old age? Simply put why couldn’t the girl stay back at her parent’s
place, why does she become parayi and someone else’s property? But I guess that
is what the institution called marriage is all about...love me love my dog and
here we are talking about parents and the whole family. But can’t help it and
again question it, boy is absolved of such compromises, he meets his in-laws
once in a while, puts on his best smile and behaviour, and voila the sentence is
over...while the girl married in a joint family has to undergo the life
sentence with or without the smile maybe with a bright lipstick to match the
role models as projected in the idiot box!
Is it fair? The boy has been
nurtured (right from changing nappies to maybe getting him a job or setting up
some business) by a set of people, so its ethical for him to be expected to
take care of them, where as the girl who enters the scene much later and (luckily
is toilet trained too) is expected to do the same. Fair enough as mentioned
earlier, it is an equation of give and take. She delivers, without question (in
most cases) the baby of in-laws’ baby. The baby gets the best of nurturing, of
course, if the financial conditions are above average and whims are in place
then with full-time help. Without which couples at times postpone their
decision to make babies – again a fact not fabricated! But no one thinks of our
poor MIL, she might have thought of retiring, doing no more household chores as
they should be now daughter-in-law’s responsibility (working or not working is not her problem) maybe going for all kitty parties around the neighbourhood or
satsangs, instead, she is forced to supervise the help, if the nappies are being
changed and washed properly etc etc. As for our educated smart girl, she is out
there proving her professional abilities to the corporate world, of which the
never-ever worked, house manager aka MIL has no clue. So as it is typical
in any Indian household with age-old mentalities (lest the modern thought
leaders too come after me!) that a male when comes back home from work needs to
relax with a cup of tea in front of TV or maybe read the newspaper which he
could not in the early morning rush while the wife who might have put a similar
number of hours outside would be required to look after laundry (no not
washing, there is a washing machine but washed and ironed clothes don’t fly
back in respective places themselves!), kids homework and of course preparing
for the next day. If the help is off then of course helping MIL in the kitchen,
as she has made the dish then the girl should be making rotis. It’s always good
to divide the work, you see! And if there is an expected or unexpected guest
over then whose fault is it that our career-oriented girl can’t take off and
fly back home to cook meals (No, hamare yahan khana bahar se nahi mangwate!!)
Ok, I am exaggerating again, not meals only one dish maybe, and preferably
non-veg! But the irritating fact is that the guests are generally from the boy’s
side of the family and he gets to sit and enjoy with them a chilled drink
while the girl who never knew those people a few years back has to cook and
serve them with the sweetest smile...that’s how it’s been done and that is what
is normal...our girl is just sick, thinking like this...I love to have everyone
around!
Most of us would be familiar with the story of Amitabh-Jaya starrer Abhimaan, where the boy’s ego gets hurt when his
better half earns more. As all the girls and boys here are brought up with the same
mentality (ok almost!) we have a few exceptions which get a mention in tabloids
and magazines when the husband decides to become a house husband or when husbands
take a back seat while the wifey blazes the trail in the business world. Let’s talk
normal, my story, your story, as you would not have been reading this if you
were not relating to what I am writing...So our boy and our girl have their
understanding in place..boy with his Buddha-like patience tackles so many
obstacles and hurdles sometimes together and sometimes alone, never taking
sides always trying to pacify his inter-caste girl with some convincing
logic...I love to have everyone together!
A pressure cooker is supposed to
release the pressure and if not, the safety valve takes care, what if both
malfunction...boom! How long is really long...5
years, 10 years maybe 20 but maybe a lifetime is not long enough...either the
pressure cooker releases pressure or else there will be blasts...exploding the
false sense of being righteous, exposing the real selves may be ugly or good
but still they have to be together as I love to have everyone together....
Yes, I love to have everyone
together too says and feels our girl there, facing the heat and maybe creating
that heat! But these words are the words of a male again, totally oblivion to
day-to-day execution of household matters, of the frustrations of still having
to take care of things in spite of being vocal about them, of the mental and
verbal fights with family members around for not doing their share of work and
of the fact that our girl is taken for granted to be a replacement for the help
if she takes a holiday! Even if she puts her foot down then our poor MIL with
her 'being-martyr syndrome' steps in...kisi ko toh karna hai..boys of the family
make merry and of course making a good impression exercise never ends!
So our girl evolves with time,
thick-skinned, buffalo-skinned, elephant skinned and finally known to be the
hardest of all skins the rhino-skinned. This is at the cost of being labeled as
not being from the same caste and having a different upbringing, at times being called negative and venomous, but she still
decided to go with her rhino-skinned persona. She shuns the basic courtesies
and decides to let nothing bother her, deciding that it is not in her control if
someone feels bad or good about her choices. It’s time that she lives the way
she wants to, on her terms, in her own home, without feeling the pressure of
being judged, evaluated or just being watched over! She could not just wish and
wait for people who mattered to the boy she loved, to be dead and gone, to
feel free! The problem with no solution is that she is still head over heels in
love with the boy who had made it very clear that “I love to have everyone
together!!”
That’s what filmy stories are
made of..the hero or heroine decides and things happen and they live happily
ever after. Remember I said this is my story, your story...if you are reading
still, you are still in it maybe... catch-22 situation, you decide nothing would
bother you but it might bother the person who matters to you...we are still
trying to be happily married, you see, it’s only the ever-after clause that
causes all this pain. Live in the present, forget the past and no one has seen
what lies ahead so let the ever-after thing be taken care of when we reach
there. What about the everyday battles, the present doesn’t change, the
personalities have to change. The paraya dhan has to ultimately change or
should I say fall in line as he loves to have everyone together!
